Everyone's Pregnant But Me
From the day two and a half years ago that we decided to bring a third child into the world, it seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant. Literally everyone though... how does that happen?! Within the past two years I've had ELEVEN of my closest friends get pregnant and have babies. Does this seem to be the case for anyone else? Of course I’m SO SO happy for them, and yes, I know everyone's on their own journey… but COME ON!
I remember during one of my transfers, during my waiting period, I saw my phone light up with my girlfriend’s name and picked up from the call. "Guess what? I'm pregnant!" Her words stung.
It felt like I swallowed my heart; my stomach twisted into knots. I was just thankful that she told me over the phone; if it was in person, my facial reaction would not have been very appropriate for the news.
I was honestly SO HAPPY for her, but I also couldn't help but feel such envy. It seemed so easy for her! Obviously no one truly knows if it was easy or not, but I do know that no one around me was going through IVF, so in my book getting pregnant without IVF now seemed "easy" to me. I cried, and then I moved on.
WHAT TO DO WHEN EVERYONE AROUND YOU IS PREGNANT BUT YOU
As months passed I tried to dodge baby announcements, baby showers, and baby talk as much as possible, but at the same time I was so drawn to it all! Why? It's like someone telling you not to eat the cake and you sit there smelling it and salivating... it’s so torturous!
I took myself off of Facebook because it was too much. That WAS actually an amazing freeing feeling! I'm slowly creeping my way back in now that im writing about all this, however I celebrate being a little less obsessed with social media as a silver lining. If going to baby showers or viewing baby announcements on Facebook daily is painful for you (as it was for me), take yourself out of the painful situation as much as you can and save yourself some heartbreak.
Also, find friends that you can turn to when you are faced with these painful situations. I have a couple friends who I always turn to when I start to feel like this; it’s almost like they are my therapists (although I have one of those, too)... they let me cry and talk about how shitty I feel and validate that for me! After that, they dry my tears and remind me that this is my journey, my own beautiful blunder. And they're so right. I wish I could shrink them and keep them in my pocket so that I could pull them out whenever I need a little pick me up. Although phones work, too ;)
PS I should be VERY clear that NONE of my friends ever meant any harm and in fact were so sweet and careful when they would break the baby news to me. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for them knowing what I was/am going through and feeling like they couldn’t celebrate their joy with me.
If you’re in my position where everyone around you is pregnant but you and you want so badly to be in that boat, I’m here to say I know it F$CKING sucks. If you feel like crying whenever you hear that someone is pregnant, or even when you see a pregnant stranger on the street, it’s NORMAL and OKAY! I actually started crying because I was at the water park two days after our BFN (Big Fat Positive – IVF term for positive pregnancy) this last time and saw at least TEN pregnant women. I felt so stupid, but I've learned to try and accept every feeling that I have.
Also… I have TWO AMAZING AND HEALTHY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS and yet I still feel like crying every time I see a pregnant person. I suppose all I can continue to do is remind myself that that will be me some day (hopefully soon), wipe my tears, and focus on the present