Oct 28, 20213 min read

Halloween Feels

Halloween is weird. It never means the same thing each year, if you think about it, it's one of those holidays that evolves with you.

At the beginning, it was fun, it meant candy, a lot of candy, it meant staying up late, decorating the house, getting to wear makeup, all the things! Then it was about dressing up at school, eating your younger sibling's candy, having a sleepover, going to the haunted house with your 8th grade friends. There were school dances, fairs and events. Now you got to choose your costume, maybe do something fun with your friends, nothing to revealing because its high school, but you know you wanted to.

And then college. Well, this was always a shit show, but the best one of the year. It meant parties, group costumes, revealing sometimes, but I was always cold so honestly I always tried to at least have a costume where I could wear shoes and socks. No more candy, a lot of late night burritos and snacks. It was a thing.

And then it was the bar scene, the club, or even just a party at someone's house while you're figuring out how to be an adult but still longing to have this moment, this one night a year to be someone else, to dress up and not feel guarded, to feel free, to pretend like you don't have responsibilities again and maybe to meet someone special.

Then we got older. We got married, we still dressed up but my heart felt different. I had fun going out to the bars, but I didn't want to. I wanted to be home, I wanted to have a reason to stay in and pass out candy. I didn't have the urge to stay out late or the desire to plan my costume and evening for weeks in advance.

We were in the middle of treatments close to halloween before we were pregnant. I remember trying to get past all of the photos of babies in pumpkins, I remember thinking about what I would dress my baby up as next year, but this year halloween changed. I don't even remember if we did anything, I didn't really care, nothing mattered, infertility was here, loud and clear, my focus changed and my heart ached.

We got our twins. We had success. I knew every year was going to be different now. It would be about them, about what they wanted. I told myself I would be as involved as I could, I would make it fun for them and secretly I was making it fun for me too. See I love halloween, but it's a trigger. It's a trigger to see so many kids, babies dressing up, it's a reminder of what we longed for, of what so many still hold on to hope for every single season.

Sometimes I wonder if the homes that don't put out candy just can't handle seeing little kids dressed up. Sometimes I wonder if their lights are off because they just want this day to pass. Because I would do the same.

Secondary infertility hit me like a ton of bricks, I still took the twins out of course, I dressed up, I was present, but I couldn't look at all those babies in piumkins again, I couldn't walk around every single year and not think about all the babies that we lost, all of those that could have been a tiny pumpkin that year.

So this year we are dressing up as a family, as we do every year. But this year is a special one to me. From the moment we found out Eriela was a girl I knew I had to get us in this costume. I told the twins if we made it to the finish line we had to do this, this one is for me. They agreed, they actually are excited about it now, and I love them for throwing me a bone.

If you are struggling today, this halloween, I see you, I was you and I hold you so close to my heart. Remember you don't have to pass out candy, you don't have to open the door if your heart will hurt every single time you do so. Stay inside, go out to dinner, do something for you. These kids won't remember that you didn't open the door this year but you will remember how you felt. So guard your heart, it's the only one you've got. And maybe just eat the candy instead, or don't, maybe instead get a duper fancy dessert because you deserve more.

With that said, can you guess what our costume is this year? Here is a sneak peak!