Let's be honest, most of us have trouble with this one. Between our phones, work, events, holidays and just every day routine, I am going to believe that its not just me who has trouble being #present. However, lately, I find myself always thinking about #IVF and what's next for our journey. Like literally, always thinking about it.
And it makes me so mad.
I was at yoga this morning and was lucky enough to have my husband with me today! That rarely happens because schedules, work and the twins. But today he was able to go into work late (as he should its Hanukkah! And Christmas Eve too of course), and yesterday I was so excited to go take a class together. Sadly, I woke up and I had a heavy heart and an anxious feeling. I tried to snap out of it but instead I let every little thing irritate me and continued to think about my next steps.
We went into class, saw some old friends and ex colleagues (I was teaching yoga but had to stop after my miscarriage because I couldn't mentally do it, and this is a whole other story to tell). Class started and as im sitting here writing this I honestly don't even remember what we did. I broke a sweat for sure, but its all a blur. And I'm so mad about it.
I couldn't lay in shavasanah today, I sat up and waited for class to end, eyes wide open (so unlike me) and I got up and walked out. Still hadn't said a word to Nick and I was so mad at myself for this. We got in the car and headed home. Still nothing. Luckily for me, I have the most amazing husband and I know he just knows when I'm not ok. But he also knows when to approach me and when to let me be. Today he let me be, and I was glad he did because who knows what would have come out of my mouth. All I could think about was why has it not worked for us, why are we still trying to figure this out. And again, I was so mad that I couldn't focus on all the good that was happening at the moment.
I had just lost the opportunity to experience an amazing class with my favorite person by my side. I lost the chance to chat with him in the car, alone together. I had missed the opportunity to enjoy the morning because of IVF, because its constantly on my mind and I don't know how to turn it off.
Nick went into work, I texted him a little later and apologized for being so quiet.
"Its ok! I understand." He's pretty amazing.
I sat there fresh out of the shower and cried. Not because I felt bad, not because we haven't had success with IVF yet, but because I am so mad that this process takes so much of my mental space. It's already such a battle in itself, but the fact that I let it take over my mind more often than not really angers me and scares me. What if I can't enjoy life until this miracle happens? How much of my life have I stripped away? What have I missed with my beautiful girls because of this?
I stopped crying. I realized those thoughts, those emotions are what constantly create the struggle. You see there is NO way you can stop thinking about this journey when its happening to you. It's almost impossible and I would LOVE for anyone to let me know if they've been able to figure that out. I sure as hell have not. But instead of feeling more anger, kicking myself when im already down, im going to have to accept this. Accept the fact that I might be consumed with IVF more than I wish. But this is a chapter in my life, it won't be forever!
Im going to chose to accept that. And from there I'm going to let myself have a moment and breathe. And then remember that even if I'm thinking about IVF I can still enjoy life. I am going to do my best to be present, to know that our time will come and with that focus on today because ultimately thats all I have control over.
IVF strips you of any control. We don't know what tomorrow will bring, what the outcome of each procedure, each shot or each day will bring. All I know is that I have today, and even if I wake up sad again tomorrow, I won't be mad at myself because I know that it will pass if I let it. And then I can focus on the moment, and on what I can control.